the problem of consent

The problem of consent.

What is no?

 "This isn't working. We should stop. Just stop. Please." Are these statements the same as, "No," and should they be respected as such? If you don't claw a man's face or back or draw blood, is it still no?



What about silence? What if you're in a group situation where close quarters are necessary and unavoidable and touching happens and someone's ass gets grabbed and,
"Haha, sorry, my bad.."
"Haha, no worries, it happens..."

But then it happens again.
How many whoopsies does it take to equal intention? When does an accidental touch become an assault? He, "didn't mean to," but her ass still got grabbed and she still feels violated. It was an accident, and as a female, with the inborn auto response to apologize, step out of the way, and say please, when does one stop forgiving the accidental offense?

What is the appropriate response for a minor and is it the same as that of an adult?

We tell girls to stand up for themselves and self advocate. Do not tolerate being disrespected or inappropriately touched. Who do you tell?
-authority figures
-coaches
-teachers
-parents

Is it worth it? There are several possible outcomes to speaking out regarding suspected inappropriate touching. Tell an authority figure, preferably a female. That's sound advice, unless there aren't female authority figures available. There is always the possibility that you will not be believed. You speak out, tell your side and- Congratulations, you are now a pariah. You will lose your friends, your self respect. Your friends will be forced to choose sides. Did he really do it? Is she lying to get attention? She's lying, what a dramatic dirty whore. Or: he's a pervert and that reputation will follow him as long as he remains in the social vicinity. There are no winners when a bad thing happens, even if the person in the wrong is reprimanded and correctly disciplined. The damage is already done. Speaking out regarding sexual assault or harassment is not simple. The rules are not clear cut or easily defined. If you don't speak, there is always the possibility that the male in question will continue his inappropriate behavior, with you or with others. By not speaking, are you paving the way for another Brock Turner? White male privilege is power. Do you risk sacrificing your self respect, invite the questions, the awkward conversations, the disruption to your life, all just in case the guy that ruined part of you decides to ruin part of someone else? The possibility that he will reform or be punished enough to change his attitude and actions is tenuous at best. He won't change. You will just be another name in the paperwork, if it gets far enough for paperwork. At the very most, one day he might end up serving three months, get out on good behavior, and his people will mourn the time lost. All that potential, that future wasted, just because he made a mistake.

I search myself and turn inward to try and understand what it would take for me to reach out and consciously touch someone without consent. I cannot lift my hand far enough. I cannot imagine reaching into someone's personal space and grabbing their body, just because I want to.

 I want, I will. I want, I must. I see it. It is my right to touch it.

What happens to a person's brain, that it becomes bent and broken and perverted to the point that they believe they may violate someone's body just because- They. Want. It.
This uninvited intimacy that ruins real intimacy.


I drank too much. He drank, but I don't know how much. I only knew his first name. He was a friend of a friend. I don't remember how I ended up in a bed with him, I only remember him being on top of me. He was a lot bigger than me and I couldn't push him off. I said all those things:

"This isn't working. We should stop. Just stop. Please."

He did not stop. I drove myself home later. My self esteem was so shattered, I couldn't openly accuse him. I talked to my manager at work and lost my job because they could/would not continue to employ a lying whore.
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the wrong things. For years, I believed, that due to those facts, what happened was my fault. I shouldn't have been there. If I hadn't been there, it wouldn't have happened.
On the flip side, he could have gotten off of me and let me walk away. That would have been a good choice.
Was drinking Jager shots as good as a non-verbal consent? Did my bloodstream consent when the alcohol hit and slowed me down and made me easier to manipulate? Did I get what I deserved because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Nearly 20 years are gone between now and that short chapter in my life, but it was formative.
I did tell people. I tried. I got two types of responses:
- Shit happens, what can you do?
- You're a lying whore.
Even now, it's difficult for me to type the word and say what it really was.

What are the critical learning points? Men are usually bigger and stronger. As women, we are typically physically disadvantaged. Saying NO doesn't guarantee an appropriate response in return.
I cannot speak for an entire gender and I don't have everything figured out. I know what I will tell my daughter. Don't go to a party alone, even if you know the person hosting. Keep your girls close. Squad goals = safety. Go with your girls, leave with your girls, no girl left behind. If it comes down to it, be dramatic. Yell, scream, use your nails. Leave him with memories of you that he will never forget. Be the crazy bitch in the story he tells his friends the next day. Tell your girls how it went down so that you retain validity. Whether you take it further than that is a personal decision that is highly individual. There are no hard and fast rules, each situation is case by case. You can say he touched you, he can say he didn't. If he maintains that he didn't touch you, it becomes a judgement call. Do you want to live with that, the division of public opinion about who is right and who is lying? Are you strong enough in spirit and confidence that you can stay unbroken while under scrutiny? Will it hurt you more to accuse or more to stay silent?

The rule of consent when it comes to uninvited touch: Don't touch a woman unless she's okay with it. Don't touch a man unless he's okay with it.
This is a simple basic standard of normal and healthy human contact. If you have to sneak a touch, make it seem like an accident, you need to work on your life. The man that grabs and brags is a pathetic excuse for a human.

I'm so sad for the man that is not man enough to merit consensual touch. What a lonely piece of human trash, this person that has to reach out and touch something that isn't his to touch, especially when he knows the consent to touch would never be granted. He wanted, so he took anyway. Stop stealing. Work on yourself. Be better. Women are not the sum total of their bodies and appearance. We aren't toys to be played with, squeezed until we squeak. Dogs play with squeaky toys. Real men do not. Stop encouraging this mentality of inevitability, the inevitability of sexual violation. If it didn't happen to you, it's happened to at least one of your friends. I believe the state of the world is only deteriorating. People are moving away from relationships and keeping sex and intimacy separate. It will get worse. If sex is not about intimacy, it is a a physical act just like rock climbing or boxing or running or biking. The depersonalization of sex makes it easier to justify thoughtlessness about the act itself.
She's not a person, just a nice piece of ass.